Friday, September 29, 2006
Everybody needs some "me"-time. You get to be by yourself, to drop all pretences and rule your own world again. Seemingly calm and at peace with the world on the surface, inside however, a silent battle rages and it's a whole different story.
In Catechism, I've been taught to believe that that voice in your head, otherwise known as your conscience, is actually God speaking to you. I really do believe that. Think about it: It clearly defines what's good and bad...nagging at you when you've yet to fulfil a past promise, weighing down on you when you've done wrong, urging you to do the right thing, chiding you when you're tempted to pocket that lustworthy object. It stands for all things moral and steadily guides you onto the right path. Who else but God can be so patient and true.
Then again, you don't have to agree. Yes, that voice sure sounds like your own, so it may very well be you arguing with you. Either way, those internal fights serve one purpose: To come to a decision and seek closure.
Lately, I've not been too noisy, simply because I don't feel like it. I've stayed away from home as much as possible and have not gone to school this entire week, simply because I need "me"-time. So you say i've changed and i'm so quiet. No, i'm just getting in touch with me again, and to do that, i need you to stay out of my space and let me and God be. Our convo went something like this:
Me: Why is everything going so horribly?
Voice: Is it that bad? It's just your grades.
Me: Yes, but whatever i get now is supposedly an indication of how well i'm gonna do in the finals, and that in turn is gonna affect the rest of my life. I'm screwed.
Voice: There's still hope. You just have to work extra hard for the finals. If you really want it, put in the effort. Rmbr, when there's a will, there's a way.
Me: Just kill me now. You think sleeping pills or carbon monoxide poisoning will make me puke? I don't want to have to puke..it's disgusting.
Voice: Carbon monoxide won't make you puke...But you don't have a car. And seriously, your situation is not bad at all. There are others worse off than you, so you shouldn't be complaining. Think abt the poor kids in Africa. They don't even have a chance at education, and they'd give anything for it. You are fortunate, and yet you've been so lazy. It's your fault, and you should have seen it coming! Don't be too disappointed...just keep your head up. I'll be there for you.
The "kids in Africa" ploy always works, man. It's like the trump card of all trump cards. And the "i'll be there for you" works too. At least I know someone's got my back...it's not a good feeling to know that you're going through your troubles alone, or that all the burden is on your shoulders. That's why i love God. He helps me make sense of things...kinda like a reason-machine that churns out all the reasons why i should continue plodding through the muddy, murky swamps of life.
I have a theory. The quieter you are on the outside, the more you're screaming inside. I'm glad i have had time-out. I've come to a decision and i have my closure. I'm a happier person now :D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D
~sallo
2:39 am
