Wednesday, June 01, 2005
Don't understand what's wrong with me..i feel terrible. Not physically but mentally-- emotionally. It's like a mélange of sadness, desperation, frustration and worse still, helplessness. I know why I'm sad and it's because things aren't going too well now. I'm sensitive enuf to tell what's staying and what's abt to break up: I can't keep up with the pretence, I can't stand the tension, I can't stand being silent while I know there are things I shld say. Yet I can't say anything, simply because I don't know how or I go blank. Why aren't we closer? What's breaking us down?? We're falling apart and I don't know how to stop it.
But I just DON'T get why it's upsetting me so much. Maybe it's because I care abt you. Or maybe because I need to use you, so if you go, i'll be lost. Am I so despicable? Not sure. Right now, all I want is for us to bond so well that we'll be COMFORTABLE with each other. That's all. Sounds simple but it's so hard to do. I have a feeling it's my fault. Shit.
What the hell, i feel so horrid i dun even wanna talk abt other stuff but anyway shall give them a quick mention to show i hafnt forgotten abt them: Choir camp, China back-backing in June, bloody common test, stupid new tuition teacher, shitty piano exam, being so not prepared, got paid $50 for job, talked to Fairness but not Darkness (damn), want to shop, forgot Rai's bdae, not enough fucking time. Sorry, no damn mood to type anymore.
~sallo
6:50 pm
